Sing to me muses of the hot, humid land that is Kolkata....

Considering that I have had more new experiences in two weeks than I have in two months at home, I find it ironic that I am conisistantly at a loss over what to write to the blogging void. It's all interesting, but all is too much, and deciding what is the most important is absolutely daunting- it's all important. So, I'm going to start without a plan, but with a starting point (much like this trip actually) and see where that takes me.

A quote from the book I'm currently reading:

"The resting place of the mind is the heart. The only thing the mind hears all day is clanging bells and noise and argument, and all it wants is quietude. The only place the mind will ever find peace is inside the silence of the heart. That's where you need to go."
-Eat Pray Love

When I read this quote while sitting under the dim florescent light and fan of my hostel while monsoon rains drenched the world outside last night, I paused, read it aloud to Allison (as we have a tendency of doing- life is pretty slow in the afternoons after volunteering), and was tortured as to whether or not I should underline it in the book. (I only have pens here and under principle I don't like permanently marking a novel- I like letting both myself and others read it with fresh eyes, every time.) I wanted to remember it because I feel that it perfectly articulates the emotional and mental dilemma that has embodied the last several months of my life: to feel or not to feel, that is the question.

As a rule, although I love it, I find my field of study to be particularly depressing. If you're not careful I am entirely convinced that if you pay attention to the immensity of the problems in this world, and allow yourself to care, the guilt and the fear and the helplessness can easily overwhelm you. On the one hand I want to be practical and efficient, in other words, deliberate in my actions and passions so that a difference can actually be made that will actually be lasting. On the other hand, I don't want to sacrifice my heart.... I don't want to become so "efficient" that I become caustic and lose my compassion and potential for hope.

I came to Kolkata so overwhelmed with petty worries about the less-than-inspiring nitty-gritties of life (rent and documents , etc. etc. etc.-or- blah blah blah) that I was allowed, or a brief few weeks, to put this question on hold and just focus on getting what I need to get done when it needed to be done. It was a blessing in disguise. It was in disguise because I hate what all those things do to people in general, so I really didn't like to see it in myself. But, I've come to see it was a blessing, because it didn't allow me to question what I was about to do, and therefore there was no potential for me to fail at following through.

Despite it's many many challenges, I'm coming to see Kolkata as the heart from that quote- my resting place. Not literally because Kolkata is literally the opposite of quiet- horns honk constantly, it's a miracle if I walk down the street without being approached for one thing or another (often just existing), and I am never alone. It's more that what I'm doing here provides a resting place for my heart. For two years now I've been learning and learning and agonizing and agonizing and trying to justify existence and not being able to- it's been all clanging bells and noise and argument. Here I am just doing... I'm just being there for the children. It's not rational- I realize that. There are children I could serve in Seattle or Montana without flying over the world and complicating everyone's life. Rather, it's the embodiment of emotion... I let my heart guide my actions, completely disregarding what would have been more rational.

And I couldn't be happier.

It was last night, when trapped in my room by the first monsoon torrent since we arrived, that it finally hit me just how entirely happy I am that I am here. I still can't totally articulate why, but I know that's it's just where I'm supposed to be right now. Here, working with these children.

The more I work at Daya Dan, the more I love the children. And the more I love the children, the more the idea of seeing them or their situation through a detached, "rational" lens turns my stomach.

Ok, so enough of my random, distracted, and incomplete philosophizing. Hopefully next time I can offer some real antecdotes....

<3